Hammered
by NorthernShinigami
Summary: Tottaly random drabbles I wrote after getting inspired. For now centering Ichigo's new form as a stripper, Yumichika and Ikkaku  Sort-of-fake incest? ,and Hitsugaya and a deadly Croquet Mallet - Yes, it IS what you think it is. M for reason


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach. And not that brilliant idea of _banging a mallet in someone's head_. Don't own the songs _Smooth_ by _Santana and Rob Thomas _and _Uprising_ by _Muse_.

...Guess what was the inspiration for the first drabble/part?

* * *

_Croquet Mallet._

A long-handed wooden hammer, a necessary tool for playing Croquet, usually used for hitting small balls. Although has never shown much interest in the game itself, Toshiro decides later on that he likes the Mallet very much. It's long stick definitely helped him reach up to pop the bitch-of-a-neighbor's brains out. Or at least he crushed her skull or somethin', 'cause her head was bleeding when she crashed into the water of her pool in the back yard.

Oh yes. The Mallet is a hammer for_ everything_. It's heavy though.

Maybe he should try a golf club next?

... Hopefully Matsumoto won't freak out _too_ much when she finds out; causing trouble is not his role in _this_ foster-care family.

Perhaps he could drop _this _one on Ichimaru?

* * *

_Confession._

_'_I love you' Ikkaku blurt out of the blue, shutting the bedroom door behind him and moving to gently shove the other into the bed. They have just returned from a great night of celebrating Yumichika's great sweet-sixteen birthday. Watching the figure of lean lithe body with a deliciously revealed milky skin dance under flashing lights, slightly pink-tinted cheeks, lips and heavy-lidded eyes was all the eighteen-years-old Ikkaku needed to confirm that what he felt toward the younger was indeed way more than just some simple 'brotherly' love.

Men usually don't fantasize about fucking their younger sibling, who happens to also be their best friend. Of the _same sex_. Thank Godness they aren't blood-related. Still, he feels only a little guilty; Yumichika has only just turned sixteen after all._ Too _young yet.

The guilt disappears when the birthday-boy gives a (_totally_-not-virgin) seventeen-years-old Hisagi Shuhhei _The Look_.

Ikkaku growls. Screw it. If the (gorgeous) bastard can screw with his (and others) head like that, he sure as hell can screw him. At any rate, he couldn't wait any longer.

He didn't let him time to answer, but takes Yumichika's blushing, moaning and writhing under him in pleasure as a good sign.

_

* * *

__Uprising Strip._

A lithe figure moved gracefully against the poll, covered in nothing but dark bandages wrapped partly around his body from neck to ankle. With each move, each roll of hips, each teasing cares of soft, long fingers with black fingernails on his body and each fraction the dark-blue bandages would loosen just a bit more, just enough to reveal the smooth tanned skin beneath it. Long uneven jet black locks dropped around his shoulder, following behind him with every shift and twist as the disorderly-cut strands framed around his face made his choco eyes and the full lips under a dark mask covering his mouth stand out more than usual while he moved sensually to the beat of the song.

The costumers swallowed hard, trying in futile attempt to hide their obvious hardness, and shivered with excitement and even dread, because this male stripper was like no other. He was voulptoures and arousing, somewhat romantic, but had dark mysterious aura around him, even more so with the mask covering his mouth. People would stop breathing when he smiles at them with half-lidded eyes and long eyelashes, mouth barely moves behind the black garment and hand moving with soft pressing fraction over a bare-skinned spots.

When the show's over, the more-than-half-naked stripper comes offstage. Dressed tight he leaves through the bar's back door, long black hair fluttering behind him as he smirks smugly. Not much of his friends had seen that him, but so far he had seen few of his gay and bi-sexual and even straight fellows gazing at him with wanting lustful eyes from the crowd, even these with lovers or girlfriends, or people who already have someone they like. Like Renji, who has a crush of ages on Kuchiki Byakuya, or Grimmjow, who constantly brawls with Ulquiorra and claims the guy's annoying and he hates his guts but worries about him and given the right mode and situation would take him right there and then on the bare ground. Or even Nnoitora, who actually prefers big-breasted women and not men. But they don't fell for each other. These three are big, muscled, manly men. Manly men don't lust for other manly men. Never. Manly man fight, argue and brawl with each other, not fuck each other. Even _Gay _manly men prefers their men slightly more... feminine.

He smirks widely, and even chuckles evilly, black hair fallowing behind him under the fading street-lights into the darkness of the night.

Oh, If they _only knew _that their mysterious and tanned arousing stripper, with the sensual moves and soft smiling lips, long raven locks, dark aura and look that can stop heartbeats of the straightest men around is actually their logical and self-proclaimed much-less-insane-than-them Kurosaki Ichigo, hard and hot-headed, with his glowing orange hair and constant scowling face and well-known by his inexperience and innocent, indifferent, naive attitude toward affairs of love and sex.

Because Kurosaki Ichigo is the last person, of all people, they will think of being a stripper.

_Oh, if only they knew._

.. Not that his secret black-haired identity is _only _a stripper...

* * *

_'And if you say this life ain't good enough - I would give my world to lift you up - I could changed my life to better suit your mood-'_

Yumichika likes these lines of the song. It's one of the few song no one knows, not even Ikkaku -specially Ikakku- that he likes more than they think. It's one of the few songs that can reveal his more cold, serious nature. Always acting like a self-centered narcissist and a snob that leeches to Ikkaku all the time really prevents people from noticing this side of him. But If someone was to observe him sweep and wash the floor while half-singing to the beat of the song when he's completely alone they won't see him grin smugly because he's the most beatuful thing on earth, or fluttering his hair with a dazzling smile that never really reaches his eyes though no one _ever _notice it, or act all High And Might and blabber about beauty like about God itself. They won't even see him just smile, only a sort of bored, cool and careless gaze that he is usually very wary of people not noticing.

And really, the don't. They all see the vain side, through the careless act of flirtation and boastful smiles that make his lavender eyes shine to make people fell facepalnted all over the floor. They all know he can be haughty and manipulator at times, but have no idea just how. They all think he can't be bothered by getting his hands dirty and sees himself as a damsel in distress, but they have absolutely no idea how much dirt and blood he can deep his hands in when needed.

They have no idea that he is_ already _into deep and particularly in his lowest. Making his friends and most precious person believe that he's useless to nothing but shallow things and can't do anything but act like a dumb bitch while having one of the sharpest minds and dangerous natures around, and he makes sure no one discovers it, at least not yet.

He act like he's cluelessly alright. He's an excellent actor, so they all think he _is _clueless and alright, but in fact he is not. The vain, haughty beauty that disapproves from every ugly thing seen and can't be bothered to do anything, is in reality much capable of doing everything himself, alone.

_Everything_. Every _little, dirty bloody _thing there is.

He is that disturbed.

Oh, if only they knew, their faces would be absolutely _priceless_.

That doesn't mean he is _all_ about pretending though. He does like pretty things. _Really_ likes.

_'-Cause your so smooth.'_

Yumichika pauses and sighs. To bad the pretty things stops here. That line, in his opinion, kind of ruins the mood of the song compare to him.

He smirks.

Than again, Ikkaku's head _is_ _smooth_, isn't it?

* * *

**End. This was in my files for a while, so here it's now out.**


End file.
